New twist on new media
I’ll be on my way up the food chain to the One Percent bracket, or maybe the Half Percent. I’ll be the next Mark Zuckerberg. You know who he is — the fellow who discovered Facebook in the Amazon rainforests and brought it back to civilization for all of us to enjoy.
They’ll want to make a movie about me, too, just like “The Social Network.” My movie will be called “Shrek Learns to Twit …er Tweet.”
I might even win the Nobel Prize for Peace, or for Home Economics.
You see, I figured out how I can make my mark — along with $500 million — after I read that the founders of Twitter, that micro-blogging site, became billionaires when they took their company public. For those of you who don’t understand micro-blogging, don’t be alarmed, neither do I, but that won’t stop us.
Who would have thought technology that lets people say stupid and slanderous things and share dumb comments with hundreds, thousands and possibly millions of people could be so profitable? I never knew insulting was such a money-making enterprise.
But even I — Luddite that I am, writing with a fountain pen and pecking on a manual Smith Corona typewriter for therapy — realize there are benefits to social networking. For example, it will let Baby Boomers find romance well into their 70s and beyond. And if we can’t leave the nursing home, we’ll be able to send one another X-rated photos over Instagram and cuss at each other through Face Time, and enjoy the pleasures of modern social media.
I won’t reveal too many of the details about my idea, but I can tell you it will be called “Anti-social media.” Pretty cool, huh?
You’re probably asking yourself, “What exactly is this dimwit talking about? What the *&*!@#! is ‘anti-social media’?” That’s a GREAT question, as we say when someone asks a totally inane question.
Anti-social media is for special people, a select few who are sick of email blasts from JCPenney, Jos. A. Bank and all major and minor retailers, who are sick of being slaves to their smart-phones especially when they ring in church or the men’s room stall, who are tired of seeing young people wearing earphones 24-7 while text-messaging on the street, at dinner, in the driver’s seat and at the movies.
Anti-social media is for people who are just plain sick of Facebook and tired of reading about the latest Twitter faux pas by Alec Baldwin and all the others who put their foot in their mouth, and for anyone who is totally fed up by perfume in public places — actually, that has nothing to do with anti-social media, but I threw it in because perfume makes me sneeze.
You’re probably asking yourself, “Can anti-social media make me rich?” Of course it can. I can’t give away the secret formula, but let me say this: It’s a way of life, a philosophy, a force for good, a plan to save the universe, a noble cause with a secret handshake, a profitable venture that makes you eligible for tax breaks and government grants. Anti-social media can even save ObamaCare.
Instead of YouTube, we will have NoTube. Instead of Facebook, we will have Buttbook. No more LinkedIn. We will have LockedOut. No texting or blogging or self-promoting. You see, we are anti-social by nature.
Best of all, anti-social media will help preserve your privacy because if you ever get arrested, you won’t want the reporters reading your Facebook page and saying, “Yes, we saw it coming, clearly the brooding type, which is why he went nuts on those kids who were gabbing in the quiet car of the train.”
So get on board. Join the anti-social media movement now. Send a check for $150, and receive your free secret decoder ring with complimentary ear plugs. Our operators are standing by. But please, do NOT text-message us.
Joe Pisani may be reached at email@example.com.