Joe Jonas's Alleged Daily Wellness Regimen Makes Absolutely Zero Sense

A recent GQ profile of 31-year-old singer Joe Jonas begins with the line: “This time last year, Joe Jonas tells me, the pandemic forced him into a much calmer way of life.” It’s hard to imagine what the cadence of Jonas’s days looked like before quarantine, because his current rhythm, as detailed throughout the article, is deeply puzzling.

The highlights:

  • While still waking up — brushing his teeth, fixing pour-over coffee — Jonas makes time for a meditation on Headspace, an Italian lesson on Duolingo and NPR’s Up First
  • He has a mobile gym in his Tesla, intended to keep his body moving, “instead of just sitting around and playing on his phone or watching a movie when he has downtime”
  • He has two incredibly specific Tanqueray Sevilla Orange cocktails every night, usually “as a gin and tonic with a small orange wedge”

There’s more, but you get the idea. We’re going to go out on a limb and guess that none of these things have ever happened on the same day, if at all. That isn’t meant as a slight towards Jonas, but a gentle reminder to readers that “celebrity routine” profiles are fraught with idealistic (if not downright ridiculous) mornings and afternoons, and generally light on editorial integrity.

For instance, those cocktails. It’s unlikely that Jonas, who reports waking up at 7 a.m. and follows a rigorous training schedule — PT sessions, Peloton, high-cardio boxing, time in the sauna — is drinking two sugary cocktails each evening before dinner. That’s a veritable migraine machine. It’s nice to think that he could pull that lifestyle off, but over time, “perfect summer vibe” or not, consistent alcohol consumption is debilitating. It can sabotage even an unambitious workout plan. And this guy’s trying to sneak extra workouts in the back of his car.

There are some redeeming tidbits in this piece. Jonas says he’s on a group chat with a few friends, and every morning, each person writes a short list of things they’re grateful for that day. He also details a weakness for dark chocolate. This is the angle celebrity profilers should lean into more, not just the shock-and-awe headline habits of a humble New Jersey lad gone full Hollywood. A great example? The candidness from Zac Efron a couple years ago, when, reflecting on his Baywatch abs, he rued the punishing diet and cruel mental discipline it took to get there.

In the short term, realism may not sell more cocktails or subscriptions to meditation apps, but it will help a fanbase of 12.7 million people understand that you don’t have to have a perfect day in order to have a good day.

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