The fateful day we’ve dreaded for months is finally upon us. The Wrestlemania Presidential Election. This much is certain: It’s the beginning of the end, regardless of who wins. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or … Miley Cyrus. And it’s safe to say that if Miley Cyrus gets elected, the election was rigged, as Trump feared.
These are grim days for America. The progressives can’t save us and neither can the regressives or the obsessives. Is it any wonder that a recent survey showed more Americans are suffering depression and anxiety than ever before because of this campaign season? Those who aren’t suffering depression are suffering from abject terror and ready to move to another country, which, depending upon their political preference, could be either Russia or Cuba.
Even though both candidates are intrinsically flawed, we can only hope the winner will select a Cabinet that can keep the country treading water for another four years until Chelsea is old enough to take over.
Toward that end, I suggest they look at the wealth of talent America has and, in the tradition of John F. Kennedy, select the Best and the Brightest for the new administration, like the great leaders of our past who led this country through dark times — Joseph Califano, Condoleezza Rice, George Shultz and Spiro T. Agnew, who diagnosed our national affliction when he said, “In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4H Club: the hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.”
The Best and Brightest still exist somewhere, but who knows where? It’s up to President-elect Whoever to make the right choices. If Donald Trump wins, he won’t have nearly as many political appointees as Hillary Clinton, largely because he has PO’d everyone from the Republican Party leadership to the media, the immigrant population and the cast of Saturday Night Live.
In fact, he’s alienated everyone except Scott Baio — aka Chachi — and Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty. Plus, Donald — Trump, not Duck — has never been receptive to advice, so there may not even be a Cabinet … only a reality TV show along the lines of The Apprentice President.
However, he has shown respect for one or two individuals who will probably be his key advisers. He will likely name Rudy Giuliani as Secretary of Homeland Security, Melania Trump as Secretary of Interior Decoration, and Phil Robertson as Secretary of Duck Hunting and Defense.
On the other hand, if Hillary wins, things will be much different since there’s been an outpouring of love for her from Hollywood, Planned Parenthood, the media and rehabilitated Bernie Sanders followers. She’ll have countless possibilities for Cabinet appointees and contributors to the Clinton Foundation. Here are some humble recommendations designed to make America greater … than it was during the Great Depression.
After this torturous campaign, we’ll need levity. Toward that end, she should appoint Stephen Colbert as her Official Court Jester. Tights and jingle bells are a job requirement.
Let’s not forget Kanye West, husband of Kim Kardashian, who has expressed a desire to run for president. A job in the Clinton 2 administration as Secretary of Anger Management would be a perfect start to his political career.
It’s only appropriate that Ms. Clinton give a plum to John Podesta, her campaign chairman, whose hacked emails reveal he believes Catholics are a threat to progressive civilized society and that he wants to topple the church by funding insurgent groups to get those grumpy old bishops to change their views. With his skills, he’d excel as Secretary of Faith and Morals or possibly Chief Acolyte to Ms. President. To round out his staff, George Soros would be appointed Grand Inquisitor.
Alec Baldwin, who so ably portrayed Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live and has a history of fighting with the media, is a shoe-in for White House Spokesman although that job could very well go to the editor-in-chief of the New York Times or the Washington Post since both have proven they’re adept at hewing to the party line.
Because of Trump’s constant warfare with the media, his spokesperson will have to be … duck hunter Phil Robertson, doing double duty. (Trump could likely be the only president in history with a three-person Cabinet.)
And let’s not forget Miley Cyrus, who was an energetic Clinton supporter and has demonstrated her skills in the great American pastime known as shaking her booty. There’s already speculation she’ll be named Secretary of Twerking. However, many of us still cling to the slim hope the election is rigged … and Miley becomes president. We certainly could do worse, and probably will.
Contact Joe Pisani at firstname.lastname@example.org.